“It’s going well, right?”
This is how my parents check in,
when they want to know
how something is going.
They ask it in Vietnamese,
and my brain immediately,
directly translates it to English
“It’s going well, right?”
This question leaves very little room
for when things aren’t going well
or not according to plan.
Right?
Am I doing it right?
Am I doing it correctly?
I can’t help but feel the pressure
of not disappointing them.
My parents sacrificed
and continue to sacrifice
every
thing
for my brother and I.
While I didn’t choose
those life choices for them,
the pressure and expectations remain.
Once externally-imposed, now self.
This pressure, this panic, this overwhelm, and I think:
When will it be good enough?
When will I be enough?
I panic
I rage
I shut down
I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that it wasn’t until a few days ago
when I realized
it’s me.
It’s my brain
that’s adding so much
friction.
In goes Vietnamese →
Out goes a direct English translation
The brain adds meaning
My parents intend to say: how is everything going?
My brain interprets it as: prove to me that you’re succeeding.
Damn.
That’s a fucked up translator.
This is one of the hardest things
of being first-gen in a new country
My parents and I fundamentally
have a hard time communicating
Even though we both speak
Vietnamese and English,
we’re not really speaking
from the same place
with the same customs
with the same nuance
with the same context
Time after time,
we misunderstand each other.
If only we had a just generational barrier,
instead of generational and cultural and language and interpersonal
Would we get along better?
Would we see each other more clearly?
Would we love each other more deeply?
Or would we fabricate new problems,
as humans are so good at doing?
I guess I’ll never know.
All this to say, today I’m going to try
to re-tune my translator.
Chúc bạn có những ngày nghỉ lễ vui vẻ! // Have a happy holiday!
Omg Chi, so freaking beautiful 🥹 ❤️
Beautiful Chi. I can tell you as someone who was in a similar situation, it is possible that it will change as both you and your parents get older. I know I felt very similar in high school and that was my motivation to overachieve almost every aspect of my life. I lived for his approval and accolades. But now, it feels so different. He's just a goofy man who always asks me how I'm doing and I take it as am I happy? I wish this for you.