Chè
It’s been a half century since the end of the Vietnam Civil War.
Well, to be exact, it’s 43 years.
But that’s what we like to do -- round up to the nearest whole number,
Kind of like how we tell time.
The clock is 14:15
But it might as well say 15:00
And 15:00 is when the chè stand opens.
That one chè stand deep into a vendor-crammed alley
The kind where you just have to know to turn
right, right, left, then right.
Chè, you ask?
The “Ch” is really a “thsst”, harder— in between your teeth
The “è” is a downward hill, gently sloping to a low valley of a pitch
Anyways, it’s a dessert.
It’s a kind of pudding, made with corn or beans
or fruit, lotus seeds, mochi, sesame seeds, or rice that’s sticky.
Sometimes it’s more of a sweet soup
The broth, if you will, is floral-scented sugar water
With grass jelly or chewy rice flour balls.
But the kind of chè you can get
depends on where in Việt Nam you are.
In the South, where my family is from, we have more coconut milk
In the North, it’s lighter. More delicate.
Not so drowned in creamy, slightly sweet, sumptuous coconut milk
(Can you tell I like coconut milk?)
In the North, the food has a stronger Chinese influence
The names, the flavors, the preparation, the ingredients,
It’s same same, but different.
Because we’re a proud people
We’re Vietnamese, not Chinese.
You may point out the similarities, but we’ll yell loudly
with our French and Chinese colonized tongues,
It’s different. It’s Vietnamese. We promise.
Anyways, the North doesn’t have much coconut milk.
Food is fishy and savory and salty and nuanced,
dishes that are more delicate, more high-brow (they say)
It’s bún chả and chả cá lã vọng and phở gà
But you see, I’m a Southern girl.
My family is from Saigon (you know it as Hồ Chí Minh City)
and in the South, we use more coconut cream and sugar.
The food is just more…
BAM.
FAT.
SWEET.
which makes me wonder and think of
(American) Southern grits, and creamed corn, and pecan pie.
Is all Southern food destined to be the same?
Or maybe that’s just what I know,
a bastardized version of Vietnamese food in America.
Growing up and watching my mom stir two pots.
One large one with steamed sticky rice and beans,
one small one with coconut cream and sugar,
a light simmer; slow, fat bubbles popping.
It’s home.
But okay, back to the alley where I’m waiting for the chè stand.
There’s six to eight different vats (yes, vats) to choose from.
I ask for chè đậu trắng (my favorite) and chè khoai lang (to try something new).
Thêm nước dừa (more coconut sauce).
Cảm ơn cô (thank you, auntie).
I’m not fluent in Vietnamese anymore,
it’s hard to keep it up living in America.
But at least I know my foods.
Well actually, I know my Central and South Vietnamese foods.
North Vietnam?
It’s a little black hole in my house,
a dark time and place and people and pain
my parents don’t like to talk about.
It’s a dark time for all sides, as I’ve learned,
because war is fucking
terrible.
There are no winners in war.
Everyone loses something,
we all break in ways that can’t be repaired
except with history’s rose-tinted glasses.
You see, the second I open my mouth here in Việt Nam,
it’s 100% clear that I’m Việt Kiều, miền Nam.
I’m Vietnamese, but I didn’t grow up in Vietnam, and my family is from the South.
All of that, from how I say “Hello”.
Sometimes, I’m someone who has come back to her homeland
Sometimes, I’m a rich American who should spread the wealth
Sometimes, I’m the daughter of two people who fled the country
Sometimes that’s being fortunate,
Sometimes that’s being a traitor.
So when I open my mouth to speak, I’m unsure of who I am.
An American, a Vietnamese American, a Việt Kiều from Saigon.
I’m torn between two places,
like this country was torn between two halves.
Well, back to chè.
I finish my bowl and quickly look up at the woman.
I hand over 20,000 đồng and thank her with all of my heart.
Either way, I’m glad to be here.
To be Vietnamese.
To connect to my motherland
through a small piece of
home.
Fun links about chè:
South baby. More coconut milk! I was with my dad in Hanoi and was like what’s wrong with this ché?!?!